Yesterday–I don’t know when, I don’t know how–but I have once again lost my phone. That phone was only, like, three weeks old with me or less. I hate September and October, seriously. Now, I am in need of major moolah so I could buy another phone without my parents even knowing I lost my new one. FUCK MY LIFE! But I guess that’s life, right? It throws you shit but you really don’t have to eat that shit or marvel in its shitness; I would my shit at life and see how that goes. See? There I go again! All talk and little action and assurance that I would really do something. I really would when the need to impress comes but I came to realize “Why the hell do I have to?” Back then I didn’t know. I still don’t know up until now. But I’m sure I don’t need to do it, if I do do something it will be for me and me alone and not for other people’s half-hearted praises, and hypocritical approval.
An update… Seriously?
It seems that once again I am given a chance to update my blog. Boredom forces me to do things I have been obliged to neglect for some time or to completely forget. Procrastination is the key, my friends. It’s been what, months? Since I’ve last updated and within those months I’ve gone through a lot of pleasing and equally displeasing situations. Hmmmmm… I think the words “pleasing” and “displeasing” are both understatements of my joys, agonies, insanities, discoveries and realizations. The past months have been… uhhh… not entirely great, of course no day is entirely great in itself, but isn’t that what makes a day great? (Confusing much, but yeah, that’s how I roll) And when we remember them all as a bulk as we look backwards when we’re already senile and probably dying, we would all probably laugh it off, no matter how hurtful it is once. It’s fun to remember isn’t it?
I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yesterday night. Yes, I know I am a loser, go figure. Well, did I like it? It gets a little confusing at first and it hurts my eyes to see the camera moving around like a crazy drunken bastard, so I didn’t like it. I LOVE IT! Did you have this experience when you see something relevant to your past situation and you wonder, “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I KNOW ABOUT THIS SOONER!?” It actually happened to me in the span of 5 months; 3 times in 5 months! But, realizing that doesn’t really do much for you, ‘coz you probably have gotten over that situation, that’s why you came across it now. The world works in fucked up ways we can’t comprehend and that’s fucking life and the fucking world and I FUCKING LOVE IT! Going back to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,[SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t watch the movie and is planning to, sometime in the span of your brief life, then by all means gauche your eyes with a pair of scissors or just close the window or skip. But if you’re like me, who doesn’t give a rat’s ass to spoilers then read to your hearts content] if I was as impulsive as Clementine (Kate Winslet), and if there really is a thing that could erase some parts of your memory to make you forget all the people who’ve hurt you the most I would probably be lining up in that clinic at the peak of my agony months ago (Now, I don’t care anymore. I’m not devoid of emotions though, I can still feel). The obvious reason why I or any other person would want to forget a particular situation is to be numbed to any feelings associated in that events. Sometimes I still wish for amnesia or selective amnesia, not because I’m still hung-up over the recent incident that plagued my life but because forgetting is like starting over again, or at least it is, in my point of view. There are many things I’ve done in the past that might’ve hurt people or wronged them or offended them and sometimes I just want to get away from all that. Then I realized that I would just be running away if I did that. Someone very inspirational said “Why do you not want to feel pain? Pain is a beautiful feeling telling us that we’re alive! Feel it with every particle of your being, but don’t let it destroy you, learn from it and feel more!” I love my Philosophy professors… except one.
With all these realizations and fucked up shits it looks like I haven’t learned my lesson and it seems like I never will. At one point I will probably write something about being in favour of something I was once against. I guess that’s just my nature, I am a whole body of contradiction after all.
Further Musings on the Misfortunes of a Dead Writer…
Don’t you think that it’s pretty funny when important, relative and significant thoughts happen to cross your mind, in the bathroom, as you were doing your business-whether it be bathing, or other things? It happens to me most of the time and it happened the other day again while I was bathing. Yes, so many reflections and realizations suddenly came gushing out from somewhere in the back of my mind that made me me think.
“Didn’t I use to say to myself ‘what happens, happens.’ Just let it go”
Dramatic thought, much? Whatever. Anywho, I think I’m one of those people now who are allowed to be dramatic just because something is a cause for drama. I know I have been “The Drama Queen” lately, but I think it’s because too many things are happening at the same time and I just don’t know how to handle them altogether. My mom thinks that now, we are very similar to the Biblical character Job. Yes, he is the same Job who was tested by God through the devil. We all know how his story goes and after passing God’s test, Job’s blessing were given back two-folds. But, of course what we are experiencing now is a bit lighter to what Job has gone through and because of that we are still grateful. There was no denying that that was what Mom was hoping for us. To pass God’s test and receive our reward. It may not be in two-folds but a simple reward would satisfy them.
We’d always believe that God has a purpose for us and that’s why he does these things. We don’t question the higher incomprehensible Being above, we just accept and do what we can to see the outcome. It may a punishment, but it doesn’t always have to be so; it could also be a trial, a test of faith or something of the sort; but it could also be just because of time and chance. Yes, time and chance, like what Solomon said in the Bible, we just happen to be extremely unlucky and whole lot discombobulated this year. Of course, it could not be avoided considering our performances on last year’s duties. We were laxed, and bumming around more than we should. Hahahaha, how unlucky, no? Yeah. They just all happen to pile on us.
So, I guess I’m just waiting for the time to see what the end-result of all these things are. I want to see if I failed or I passed. ‘Coz, I just remembered that life is not a game, there are no walkthroughs you can look-up in the internet, no hacks to increase the amount of money you have, no bots to do things for you while you’re away, no cheat codes to make the game of life easier, no “Back to respawn point” when we die, no potions (well, maybe there are XD)… But anyway, I should start living in the reality that’s happening now to me. And I swear, this time I will make it so help me God.
When you say you’re a mother…
If I can stop one Heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one Life the Aching
Or cool one Pain
Or help one fainting Robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in Vain.
Emily Dickinson c. 1864
You know what? This is one fucked up day and I blame my mom for it. She should mind her own business. And she very well knows that when she talks badly about my friends I get hurt and yet how can she talk to me about something like that. Just because she didn’t trust people when she was a child, youth, teen, adolescent, fuck whatever. It doesn’t give her the right to assume that I would do the same. What the hell is her problem?
Poem 1
The night looked like a black scarf
Trapping my eyes in, rendering me helpless
I taste the sweat as they trickled down
From my forehead to my mouth– my face quivered quick.
Silk sheets draped my body as I tip-toed quietly
Escaping from his violent embrace– feeling around.
I was told I was loved– Yes, loved
But the mere words seemed poison as they seeped in
And deceived me falling helpless to his woos.
His hand grabbed and pulled me again to his side
Violently I flailed and he whispered his undying love to me
His love stabbed me in the heart
As those black lies perforated and poisoned my every being
Numbing the hurt, cutting my breaths short until–
I lie still with eyes open and my mouth contorted in an eternal silent scream.
-Anisenna von Ravencroft
It seems like acceptance was light and grief easy
Of Course– I prayed–
And did God Care?
He cared as much as on the Air
A Bird– had stamped her foot–
And cried “Give Me” —
My Reason– Life–
I had not had– but for Yourself–
‘Twere better Charity
To leave me in the Atom’s Tomb–
Merry, and Nought, and gay, and numb–
Than this smart Misery.
-Emily Dickinson c. 1862
My Dream died. Well, not really it’s still here but the one means that could make it possible did. One thing I learned from this experience is that just because you love it so much it doesn’t mean that you can take it easy and take it for granted. Hmmmmm, and just as I was typing that previous line it made me remember something My Beloved and I talked about a while ago. Lol, talk about self-realization. Anyway, the poem above kind of relates to the feelings I harbour up until now. There are somethings you just can’t have even when you pray the hardest but at least you tried.
It still hurts and I still can’t accept the fact that I am no longer a Literature Major. Yes, I am finally out of the program. I did not reach the required 2.5 CGPA for two terms. I did not pass the probationary status. Regrets. I used to say I have none, just lessons learned. Now, I have them and I still have regrets. I have a bunch of “if only-s” running around my head. But, what surprised me is the fact that I did not cry so much when I finally learned the inevitable from our Vice-Chair. It’s just a matter of preparation I guess, and I was preparing myself for the worst. I’m not depressed though, just full of regrets. Depression cannot bring back lost time, it will only waste it in the unproductivity of one’s wallowing in one’s pool of regrets.
I love Literature so much that I shifted to a course very close and similar to it. In reality, no one actually told me that Literature was the course for me, I just kept telling myself that. I once said to my mom that I’ll become a writer so I could write a story based on Grandpa’s death. Now that I already did that for my Final Paper in our Creative Writing class I guess my purpose was finished. There is this very important analogy among the Literature people: One person says s/he wants to be writer because s/he has a story to tell, the other person says s/he wants to be a writer because s/he loves playing with words. Now, who do you think will become a writer among the two? I was the first one. If we look at it this way, everyone does have a story to tell but only few people can play with words to make an excellent and meaningful story, and I am not talking about the Twilight Saga (I hate that DX).
The only thing that may have kept me sane is the fact that I still study at my school. If I ever get kicked out, that’s when I will commit suicide. My mom and dad have no idea of what has happened, yet. I plan to tell them after I finished my shifting procedures, so they wouldn’t be able to dictate me where to go. It will be hard, but I plan to tell them so I could get the screaming and punching and the heart-break and the disappointment over with. I cannot say that I had tried my best because I know I slacked. There is no one to blame except myself.
I will try harder and I hope this time I can do better. I plan to take Literature as my Masteral and Doctoral. Because for me nothing beats being a Literature Major.
Elegies 